Crimes Against Nature and Other Holiday Traditions

Let me start out by coming out of the food closet (isn't that the pantry?) and reveal to anyone who doesn't already know that I am a vegetarian.  I am not out to convert anyone.  I just tell you because it does color how I feel about Turkey Day--or, as I think of it, Carb Day.  In my family--carnivores all--they are never quite sure what to do with me.  I haven't eaten meat of any kind--yes, that does include pork and fish--for over 18 years.  Still, they worry that there will not be enough for me to eat on Thanksgiving.

At the BettyBeeBuzz family holiday table, meat--very often more than one variety of meat--takes center stage.  Because mine is a family of cooks, I definitely do not go hungry, though.  There are mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, sometimes baked potatoes, baked noodles, sometimes lasagna, baked beans and often perogies to keep me happy, not to mention the numerous "vegetable" casseroles that involve at least three of the following ingredients: canned or frozen vegetables, canned soup, butter, cracker crumbs, cereal and/or fried onions.  By that list, can you tell that I grew up in the suburbs?

I am not knocking it.  I myself often make my mother's vegetable casserole for the holidays.  (My three out of the list above: frozen veggies, butter and cracker crumbs.  I get extra points for the processed cheese required, though.)  Delicious, yes. Healthy, no.  That is fine, though.  The holidays only come once a year.

I am quite happy to go into my carb-induced haze because heaven knows that I do not want tofurky.  For those of you who have not heard of this, it is a tofu version of turkey.  I have one question: why?  I like tofu.  It is great in a lot of dishes.  However, I don't want a big lump of it shaped like a dead bird on my holiday table.  No gracias.

What is even worse is that I have recently discovered that there is something called tofurducken.  This is modeled on what I think to be a crime against nature in and of itself, turkucken.  What is that you ask?  That would be a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey.  People who I know who have eaten this monstrosity say that it is delicious.  (I have no idea how you are supposed to carve something like that.  Wouldn't you just keep hitting on smaller and smaller bones?)  Someone I used to work with is from New Orleans, and he sent around a link to his hometown butcher's web site (yes, the butcher has a web site) so that we could read about the local specialty--deep fried turducken.  Good Lord.  What kind of sick bastard came up with that?  There are several web sites that sell a version of this deep fried poultry extravaganza, many with add ons of bacon or seafood--you know, in case you need more protein but are just a little worn out by all of the poultry.

Even if I wasn't a vegetarian, I would not want anything to do with the turducken--and I definitely don't want anything to do with the tofurducken.  I saw a recipe on the web for tofurducken that essentially had the following steps:

• Buy all of the tofu at all of your local grocery stores.  You are going to need it.
• Take one lump of tofu and mold it into the shape of a chicken.
• Take a larger lump of tofu and mold it into the shape of a duck.
• Hollow out some space in the tofu-duck, and stuff in the tofu-chicken.
• Take a whole heap of tofu and mold it into the shape of a turkey. 
• Hollow some space out of the tofu-turkey, and stuff in the tofu-ducken.
• For extra flavor (or the illusion of extra flavor), shape some tofu into strips of tofu-bacon and lay across the top of the tofurducken.
• Bake and enjoy.

Are you nauseous yet?  Ug.  The crazies who come up with things like this are the kind of people who give the rest of us herbivores a bad name.  Please pass the potatoes and the green bean casserole.