The Year that Was . . . What?

As 2008 comes to an end, I was thinking about doing a "Top 8 of 08" entry.  You know, a take off on Barbara Walter's "Ten Most Fascinating People" show and all of those other year-end lists.  Funny thing is, I seem to have developed a bit of 08 amnesia.  When I started to think about who would make my list, I could only think of things that have largely happened in the last three months or so.

What is that about?  Well, for one thing, I spent so much time traveling (that is time spent traveling not time traveling like Back to the Future--you know, just to be clear) for work that whole months do seem to be a bit of a blur.  I can put together a chronology of airports more easily than a run down of cultural events of the year.

Should I go back and research?  If I have to do that, were the people all that impactful?  Should I have been taking notes all along?  Maybe I will do that for 2009.  How to proceed?

Well, let's be honest, I don't think that anyone is really sitting on pins and needles waiting to read who I am going pronounce the most interesting of the year.  No need to pressure myself.  That said, I give you my "Top 8 of 08--As Best As I Can Remember It".

1)  I am not going to go from eight to one to try to build up the suspense.  Besides, my top of the top is the same person who is on everyone else's list--Barak Obama.  I decided to not get political in my blog, but this isn't really about politics.  This is about social change.  I don't need to go through all of the reasons.  You have seen them a hundred times in every other list including Time's Most Fascinating Person of the Year.  In so many ways, Obama took 08.

2)  So, I just said that I am not going to get all political, and I am not.  However, just as Obama was culturally significant, so was Hillary Clinton.  She was a contender, and she is going to be the most influential woman in the US.  It makes me happy beyond words to know that my friends daughters have a smart, successful role model in H-Rod.  If Obama is the man, Hillary is surely the woman.  [Full disclosure, I am a total Clinton Democrat.  I heart Bill, and I love me some H-Rod.  I will, by and large, keep it out of the blog, though.]

3) Now to pseudo-politics: Tina Fey.  Yes, she is on every one's list this year, as well she should be.  Let's be clear, though, I have loved Tina Fey long before her Sarah Palin imitation.  I have seen many celebrities in NY, but she was the only one who, when I saw her on a street corner on the Upper West Side two or three years ago, that I actually wanted to talk to.  (I didn't.  What do you say?  "I think that you are super cool"?  Uh, OK.  "And you are . . . ?")  I loved Tina Fey pre-30 Rock (though I heart 30 Rock).  I loved Tina Fey in the Weekend Update and "Mom Jeans" skit years.  To paraphrase a quote in the New Yorker, Tina Fey is the sex symbol for all men whose lips do not move when they read.  Score one for the smart women.  (Two, really.  See above re: H-Rod.)

4) Britney Spears.  I am not proud of it, but I am constantly fascinated by Britney Spears.  This year she deserves it, though.  To start a year with two forced psychiatric hospitalizations and end it with three MTV awards and a hit album is pretty damn amazing.  Yes, Womanizer is a highly repetitive and annoying song.  Still, it is the choice ring-tone for numberless tweens and college students.  I don't want the little girls in my family and my friends families to want to grow up to be Britney Spears, but I do give her credit for turning things around.  The events of 2007 were truly sad, and I hope that the about face that has started for her this year continues.

5) I know that if I were to say that I am including a male movie star who passed away on this list, many people would assume that I am talking about Heath Ledger.  I am not, though.  I am talking about Paul Newman.  While he was a great actor, the example he set of how to not just be good but to do good is inspiring.  Who knew that salad dressing would lead to change in so many children's lives?  That is a legacy that will live long after his movies are forgotten.

6) Now, a nod to the world of sports.  Joe Paterno has been the head coach at Penn State for the past hundred years or so.  He is a man who has largely worked without a contract, and is one of the lower paid coaches in college football.  Still, at age 82 and having had to coach most of the season from the press booth due to a hip injury, Joe Pa still took his team to the Rose Bowl this year.  He has been unpopular at times for not allowing some talented athletes to play because they were not making the grade in their classes.  Joe Paterno doesn't care about the money and doesn't care about the critics.  He cares about his players and he cares about the game that he plays with so much integrity.

7) In the category of "Not a Person but a Thing"--the IPhone.  I know that the first IPhone didn't come out in 2008, but I got my IPhone this year.  Proof that, yet again, Apple leads the pack.  That is influence.

8) Finally, it is always popular to put a "regular person" on these kinds of lists.  I actually am putting a whole lot of regular people in this spot.  The American People make my list because this was quite a year.  We have weathered (and are continuing to weather) financial storms, have made a sea change in the American political landscape by coming out in droves to vote in Barak Obama, saw scandal (Blagovjevich and Maddoff) and tragedy (Caylee Anthony and the Santa killings in CA being just two of the many) and still kept of ticking.  This has been a tough year, and we have another one coming up.  We voted for hope and change, though, and that means that we stand a chance.  Kudos to us.

Now, let me just mention the people who I refuse to put on this list: Tom Cruise (He made a movie and admitted that he behaved like a loon.  Big deal.); Sarah Palin (The female Bush.  A woman who can't speak intelligently and shoots wildlife from a helicopter is no one's role model.); the pregnant man (We all know how it works.  It is a matter of plumbing.); Eliot Spitzer (You broke my heart Eliot.  Such a huge lack of integrity is shameful.); Oprah (On principle.)

Me vs. the Tree: The Final Intallment (Subtitle--This Time it isn't Even My Tree)

I don't like to brag or anything, but I am now convinced that I have super powers. Not only have I been able to completely suck all of the electricity out of my own tree, I have managed to start impacting one of my father's Christmas trees.

While my Dad often faces Christmas light challenges with the outdoor lights (which has led us to just always refer to them as "those damn icicle lights"), he generally does not have problems with the indoor lights. That is until I came along.

We had the tree on yesterday, and it was doing just fine. We were headed out to dinner, so I went into the living room to turn off the tree--only to find that the top half of it was not lit. Sigh. A sense of familiarity washed over me. Really? Again? Ug.

I will not do a moment by moment account, but getting the tree re-lit involved a search through the tree for the set that went bad, the addition of an extension cord, a trip to Walmart (the Evil Empire) for more lights, removal of select ornaments, reconnection of sets that already worked and the addition of a new set to a fully decorated tree with a fully decorated village below it (and I am talking a major metropoliatan area of a village at that) ending in the re-addition of the previously removed ornaments.

I have a friend who always has issues with phones, and I joke that it is because she has some electromagnetic force that causes reception issues. No joke, I now think that I have some kind of electromagnetic force that is messing with the Christmas lights. Really, why can't I have the power to become invisible or walk through walls instead.

Still, the tree is relit, and we are hoping for the best. Now I just have to help my dad to work on those damn icicle lights that went out on the front of the house.

Further Technical Difficulties (Subtitle: Me vs. the Tree Part Deux--This Time it is Personal)

It is six days until Christmas, and my tree has turned against me.  Perhaps last week when I had issues with the lights on my tree, the tree heard me when I told it that I hated it.  Apparently the tree did hear me, and it does hold a grudge.  

At approximately 1PM this afternoon my tree went completely dark.  All of the lights.  Dark.  Sigh.  I looked at the tree, I looked at the cat (who had a very nervous expression on her face and a plan to run into the bathroom again in her mind) and I surrendered.  I unplugged the tree and gave up.

I am heading out tomorrow for a few days to spend the holiday with my family.  Why the tree couldn't stay lit for another ten hours or so, I don't know.  I feel like this was the trees way of flipping me off.

My plan at this point is to enjoy the holiday with my family including the two--Count 'em!  Two!--illuminated trees.  When I return I will undeck the tree, throw away all of the lights and possibly burn the tree in the laundry room.

Ho, ho, ho.

Allow Me to be Cynical for a Moment

OK.  I know what you are thinking.  For just a moment?  Really?  I hear you.  Let's just move on.

I was sitting in a restaurant for lunch today.  The tables were quite tight, so I was thisclose to the two people sitting at the table next to me.  Our close proximity combined with the fact that I was dining alone made it particularly easy for me to hear my neighbor's conversation.  Mind you, I wasn't trying to listen.  Really, I would have preferred not to hear their discussion because it was like one long therapy session.

I think that therapy is generally a good thing, but there comes a time when some people get a little too steeped in analysis and start speaking in therapy talk.  These two people--Bob and Fran, just to give them some names--kept saying things like "and how did that make you feel". As an example: Fran was talking to Bob about a time in the past year when she apparently did not follow through on some commitment she made to him, and he had called her on it.

Fran: You know, it was right of you to tell me that I was neglecting my responsibility to you, and I appreciated it.  I thank you for giving me the gift of your candor.

Bob: You're welcome.

Fran: I am serious.  I am trying to be more conscious of my actions.  There are some relationships, you know, where friends don't follow through all of the time, and within the comfortable boundaries of those friendships, that is OK.  You let me know that it was not within your comfort boundaries, though.  You honored yourself and our friendship in doing that.  I am grateful.  How does that make you feel?

Bob: Well, I am glad.  I feel that it is important to set the right boundaries and honor them.

OMG.  Every facet of their conversation was like that.  It was exhausting.  I couldn't wait for them to get their check.  I am all for being conscious and honoring our feelings and setting boundaries and all of that, but not every second of the day!  I also think that there is a time to sit down with a friend, order a good dessert and gossip about Tomkat.  That is the gift that I consciously give to me and my friends; it is both comfortable and within our established boundaries.

While we are on the subject of things that I find annoying--and why not?--am I the only one who thinks it is irritating the Scarlett Johansen keeps popping up in more and more movies?  I liked her before she became all 40's-style blond and ubiquitious.  I feel like she is in everything lately, and she always seems to be playing the wise-beyond-her-years or searching-for-enlightenment blond bombshell.  (See The Black Dahlia, Vicky Christina Barcelona and the upcoming He's Just Not That Into You, to name a few, if you don't believe me.)

Speaking of things that keep popping up, what is the deal with Jessica Simpson's breasts?  Am I the only one who noticed--not that I was specifically looking for this, either, mind you--that this woman does not seem to own a crew neck?  I have seen her in a number of magazines lately in both posed and "candid" photos.  It is all cleavage.  There are breasts everywhere.  My thought is that her breasts are her "bright and shiny objects" to distract the person interviewing her from how--um--let me be sensitive and feminist here--intellectually-challenged she is.  I know people say the you have to be smart to play dumb and that the whole Chicken of the Sea incident of a few years ago was all a joke.  Yeah.  I don't think so.

Finally, (my final "moment" if you will--for this blog post, at least) what is up with all of these pirate incidents lately?  There is a news story on CNN.com today about 30 sailors being rescued from pirates.  Is this a delayed post-Pirates of the Caribbean thing?  Have pirates actually been around and we have just not been hearing about them up until the past few months?  It all seems rather suspect to me.  I think that Disney is behind it.

OK.  I am done.  For now.

Christmas is a Time . . . to Feel Threatened

Throughout the holiday season, how many times have you witnessed this scene?: A parent and child are in store.  The child is arguing with the parent for some reason.  (The child wants candy, is bored, is tired, etc.)  The parent says, "Look Tommy, if you don't start behaving, Santa is not going to leave anything for you under the tree."  The child pretty much immediately stops arguing.

I see this all the time, and it always freaks me out a little bit.  First of all, no, I am not a parent.  I am not speaking from my own child-rearing experience, and I do not assume that it is easy to raise or discipline children.  Secondly, I never even believed in Santa Claus.  My parents tried to sell the whole Santa thing to me--to the point of even having a neighbor dress up as Santa and visit the house when I was kid--but I just never bought into the whole St. Nick thing.  Even though I love Christmas and start getting excited for the holiday months in advance, I was a kind of rational kid.  That particular fairy tale never worked for me.

Still, I do understand how powerful Santa is for some kids.  Every Christmas while I was growing up, before we went to my grandmother's for Christmas lunch, my mother would say to me, "Don't you dare tell your cousin that there is no Santa."  My cousin was a true-believer.  I swear this went on until she was 15.  That was fine by me.  I wasn't out to debunk the myth for other kids.  I just didn't believe myself.

That is why I find it so upsetting when I see parents telling their kids if they do not behave, Santa will pass them by.  Parents help to build Santa up to mythical proportions for their kids.  They read stories and sing songs and even willingly take their children to sit on the lap of a complete stranger dressed in red and white.  Santa is supposed to be the embodiment of jolliness and generosity.

Apparently he is also the embodiment of an omniscient and judgemental force with the power to giveth and the power to taketh away.  When a parent says, "If you don't clean your room/stop hitting your sister/come here right this minute, Santa will not leave you any presents", what he or she is really saying is, "If you don't do what I tell you, the figure whom I have encouraged you to invest with all of your hopes and dreams will turn on you like a rabid dog and leave you a lump of coal rather than that Bratz doll/mechanized dinosaur/IPod that you asked him for when I dropped you on his lap at the mall last week.  He will judge you, and you, my little friend, will come up wanting."  I don't remember Bing Crosby or Burl Ives singing about anything like that.

I know that parents don't think that this is what they are doing.  I know that these are perfectly good care-givers who would never dream of saying something to their kids like "If you don't clean your room, I will not love you any more."  Still, can we take the threat out of Christmas?  I mean, what do people say to their kids in March when they are misbehaving?  Santa definitely doesn't have as much power at that time of year.  Why not, at this time of year, just let Santa use his powers for good and not evil?

The Big "O"

With that title, of course I am talking about Oprah.   Before I continue, let me get those of you who do not already know up to speed with my feelings about Ms. Winfrey.  In a word, I am ambivalent.  I think that it is wonderful to see a woman realize such phenomenal success.  At the same time, I could do with a little less Oprah proselytizing.  I really don't need to hear any more about how she makes only the wisest financial decisions, treats people in only the best way and has reached her own personal spiritual pinnacle.  Enough already.  Oprah is just a little too self-actualized for me.

Or is she?  There is a crack in the "best life" (I think that Oprah has copyrighted that term at this point) that she has built for herself.  I don't know if you have read the news, but Oprah--has put on weight.

Dramatic pause.

Quizzical look.

Confused pause.

Um, maybe I am speaking out of turn here, but so what?  In the past five days I have seen news stories in print, on-line and on TV.  The day that this story "broke", I literally heard about it on the five o'clock news!  I live in NY city.  Believe me; we are not hurting for news stories here.  Oprah is so disappointed in herself.  Oprah doesn't know how she let this happen.  Oprah can't believe that she is talking about this again.

Well, guess what Oprah?  That makes two of us.  I can't understand why she is talking about this again either, particularly in this way.  This woman who is a multi-media mogul, who is worth hundreds of millions of dollars, who can affect the marketplace in a way that few public figures can do, is whining that she put on 40 pounds.  You and the rest of America, Oprah.

I understand that this is probably a personal struggle for her.  I understand that this likely has deep emotional roots for her.  I think that Oprah's sense of proportion is entirely out of whack, though--and I don't just mean in choosing her portion sizes at dinner.

It is disgraceful that a woman with so much success, who truly is a role model for so many women--and young women in particular--is sending the message that, despite all of her accomplishments, she is a failure because she put on weight.  Failure is her word, by the way.

Apparently Oprah will be giving us all the real story during her "Best Life Week" starting Jan. 05.  This is a woman who has more access to resources--trainers, facilities, nutritionists, doctors, dietitians, coaches--than pretty much 99% of the rest of America, and she is devoting on-air time to telling us all how she feels about her struggle with weight.  Maybe I am wrong, but I think that Americans with their own struggles--be they weight, family, jobs, etc.--may be lacking in sympathy.

Of course, I probably am wrong for at least a portion of America.  The Cult of Oprah is strong.  It is just a shame that she is choosing to use her influence in this way.

Technical Difficulty (Subtitle: Me vs. the Tree)

A week ago today I engaged in the time-honored tradition of bringing a live tree into my home and adorning it with lights, garland and ornaments.  Though I live in a studio apartment, I still purchased a six foot balsam.  (I go for tall and narrow--like a super model.  It works.)  It is a lovely tree, and nothing beats the fresh pine scent.

An additional time-honored tradition, for my family at least, is to use copious amount of lights.  I used 1,000 lights on my tree.  I fully expect a call from NASA soon letting me know how nice my tree looks from space.  In illuminating my tree, I take the time to individually wrap each branch in lights just as my dad does with the tree at home.  To paraphrase a quote from Christmas Vacation, I learned everything I know about indoor illumination from my father.  Once the lights were on, I added the star garland and ornaments and spent my weekend basking in the glow of my lovely tree.

Then Monday came.

Monday afternoon I was sitting at the table next to the tree working on my computer when I noticed that the bottom half of the tree was no longer illuminated.  What the heck?!  It didn't make sense.  Even if one light--or even one string of lights--was out, that shouldn't impact the rest of the lights.  What was going on?

I should say now that my family has a history of issues with Christmas lights.  When I was a kid, Christmas lights were horrible.  If one light went out, the whole stand went out.  My father would routinely choose the coldest, snowiest, windiest day to put up the outdoor lights.  He would bring out the boxes of lights and start working on them in the family room.  If a strand was out, he would check the strand, light by light, until he got the whole thing working again.  Then he would head out into the blustery tundra to illuminate the house.  Within ten minutes he would be back inside covered in snow with a strand that was no longer working.  Sometimes he would get lucky and he wouldn't have to remove the entire strand to fix it.  More often than not, though, he would spend the entire weekend putting up lights, taking them down, fixing them, putting them up again--and so on and so on and so on. 

My father does not often curse, but my mother and I were both aware that the weekend of the lights would be rated PG-13 due to language as my father wrestled with strand after frustrating strand.  Once the lights were all up and illuminated, my father would then come home every night after work to triage which ever strand went out since the previous evening.  If a day went by when he did not have to fix the lights, it truly was considered a Christmas miracle.

This is what I was thinking about when I saw half of the lights on my tree go dark.  I inspected the stands, and after a bit of fidgeting about, they came on again.  Not one to tempt fate or question good luck, I backed slowly away from the tree and went about my business . . .

. . . until later that evening when the lights went out again.  That is when I found out what really was wrong.  One of the plugs that connect strand to strand melted.  MELTED!  There was literally a hole melted through the plug!  Visions of dry timber going up in flames in my living room danced in my head.  Needless to say, I unplugged the whole lot.  

It was too late in the day at that point to try to fix it, and I was too busy on Tuesday.  Wednesday afternoon I went to work re-illuminating my tree.  I discovered that when the plug melted (MELTED!) the heat actually warped the set to which it was connected.  I was hoping to just leave the bad set on the tree unplugged and add a set on top of it.  With two sets bad, though, that was not possible.  I trekked to the hardware store, bought two new sets and proceeded to un-decorate my tree.

That is right.  I had to remove the ornaments, garland and lights from the bottom two-thirds of my tree.  I cannot say that I was in the most joyous of holiday moods at that point when on Wednesday afternoon my previously festive and tidy apartment was covered in ornaments and pine needles.  I also made the poor choice of taking on this project when I was feeling impatient.  Let me tell you, even in the best of circumstances it would have taken the patience of Job (or whoever it is in The Bible that was known for patience) to not get frustrated.  There was a very unfortunate moment when I broke an ornament and told the tree that I hated it.  The cat went and hid in the bathroom.  It was not the highlight of my holiday season.

Still, I re-lit and redecorated the tree.  When I was finished, I stepped back to admire my handiwork.  In the process, I knocked my Internet modem onto the floor and accidentally stepped on it.  When I picked it up an shook it, it made a distinctly maraca-like sound.  

Damn you Thomas Edison and every piece of electric-powered technology created since!

OK-K

Don't panic.  I am back.  Did you miss me?  Were you worried that I was trapped under something heavy?  Well, I kind of was.  I was trapped under Thanksgiving.  I have been spending time with family, eating lots of carbs (but no tofurky) and doing holiday shopping and decorating.  I am so full of holiday cheer, I am overflowing.

In my haze of holiday merry making, I am embarrassed to admit that I neglected to officially celebrate one celebriday--Britney's birthday.  Britney Spears turned 27 yesterday.  It was difficult to not be aware of Britney's b-day given the much-touted performance on GMA (Lip synching?  Really?) and the copious infotainment stories.

This post isn't about Britney, though.  It is about K-Fed.  Yet again, Kevin Federline has surprised me.  Last week I blogged about Britney's Rolling Stone interview in which she basically threw Kevin under the bus.  He left her, he is swearing around the kids, etc.  (Side-note: I don't think that it is a coincidence that her initials are B.S.)  K-Fed has a cover story in People magazine this week.  This was his chance to be center stage and throw all the blame back on Britney, his time to sling the mud.

In a show of--and I didn't ever think that I would use this word in relation to K-Fed--class, Kevin Federline was the bigger person and was largely gracious about his ex-wife.  Yes, the guy does get $20,000 a month (a month!) in child support.  Still, that does not mean that he has to say that she is a great mom and wish her well.  I think that K-Fed is alls growed up.  Yet again, I think that Britney could learn something from her ex.

In other K-news of the less classy variety, Kid Rock is blasting a judge for not allowing him to do the community service that he wants to do.  First of all, let's back up.  Do we all remember why Kid has to do community service in the first place?  Yeah.  That would be because of his waffle house brawl several months ago.  (Seriously, a waffle house?  What is there to fight about at a waffle house?)  Apparently Kid wants to fulfill his sentence by singing for troops in Iraq.  The judge will not accept that giving the argument that Kid would do that anyway.

Personally I think that Kid should have to serve waffles for his punishment.  The hair net may actually be an improvement.

Britnesia

The holidays are nearly upon us, and do you know who is back? (No, I am not talking about the holiday tourists again.) In the immortal words of the woman herself, "It's Britney, bitch." On Dec. 02 the new, improved Britney Spears comes out with her new album Circus. Dec. 02 also happens to be her 27th birthday. Is it just me, or doesn't it feel like we have been hearing about Britney for much longer than 27 years? I think that all of the intense minute-by-minute media scrutiny of the past 12 months just made her time in the spotlight seem so much longer. It is like dog years. Britney years.

Anyway. Part of the comeback is the Rolling Stone cover story on newsstands now. I saw an interview with the journalist who wrote the story. Part of the conditions of the interview was that the journalist could not ask any questions about the past year.

Pause.

Um, what else is there to talk about? There is only so much that can be said about an album that has yet to be released save for the Womanizer song and video--which, I have to say, I don't love. It is kind of catchy but way too repetitive. Let me see if I understand. The man that she is singing about is a womanizer? Is that it? Let me listen again. Well, yes, she does repeat the word "womanizer" roughly 200 times during the song. I guess that it is Britney's "man done me wrong" song. It is no Oops, I Did It Again (currently in rotation on my iPod), I will say that. Give me a little Beyonce Sasha Fierce instead--but I digress . . . .

In the interview Britney does talk about her ex, Sean Federline. I think that it is fair to say that at the beginning of the relationship no one would have thought that K-Fed would emerge as that stable spouse and parent. That does in fact seem to be the case, though. However, Britney is trying to spin it a little differently. Brit tells that RS journalist "I didn't think that my husband was going to leave me."

Huh? Don't we all remember the fact that Britney left Kevin? It was well-publicized. Besides, it doesn't even make sense the K-Fed would leave her. She was the meal-ticket. Any woman who can take an entire year to go off the rails spending buckets of money and still be worth a mint clearly has more bank than and ex-back up dancer and failed rapper. Kevin leave Britney? I think not.

Britney goes on to criticize Kevin's parental skills--Kevin, who, let's remember, a court determined was a better parent than Britney. She says that her boys, Sean P. and Jayden James are starting to say words like "stupid" and that "Preston says the f-word now sometimes". Brit says that the boys "must get it from their daddy" because she doesn't say those kinds of words around her children.

Yeah. Well, someone needs to replay the video of Britney in her SUV, boys strapped in and crying in the back, as she screams and curses at the paparazzi. I think that Preston might have picked up the f-word in one of those incidents.

I respect the fact that Britney--who, though I am no doctor nor do I play one on TV, I personally believe was suffering from a wicked case of postpartum depression after giving birth to two children in the span of something like 20 months--has pulled her life back together. She is working again, has stopped her public tirades, has her father overseeing her affairs (though I don't know how much that is her choice as it is a court order) and is trying to be a mother to her children. Still, does she think that we are suffering from Britnesia, that we have forgotten the last Britney year entirely? Not so much. In order to get past it, Britney first needs to own it.

The first step is admitting that you have a problem, Britney.

Kid Stuff

Over the past several years there have been numerous news stories on the obesity crisis in the US.  Children are of particular concern because the habits that they develop now will determine the health risks that they face later, sometimes not much later.  There are so many sugary cereals, sweet drinks and candies masquerading as food targeted at kids that I am sure that it is challenging for parents these days.

The answer--as it is for adults--is to ensure that kids are eating healthier food in smaller portions and getting exercise.  (I know; easier said than done.  I--and my thighs--hear you.)  I saw something the other day that makes me think that we are approaching this getting more exercise for kids thing the wrong way, though.

Are you all aware that there is now exercise equipment specifically for children?  That's right.  Here are some things that I can pretty much guarantee that little Hunter or Madison do not have on their Christmas lists this year: the Fisher Price Smart Cycle stationary bike (retail $89.97), the Kid First Fitness Treadmill (retail $109.95) and the Fitness Fun Glide-a-Stride elliptical trainer (retail $119.99). 

What?!  The only thing that looks even remotely fun is the Folding Trampoline with Safety Pad.  Still, it retails for $99.95.  Apparently the goal is to break the parental bank while making kids hate activity.  I am not one of those people who think that everything that was done when I was a kid is better than what we do today.  I mean, when I was a child, people didn't use seat belts and smoking around kids was totally fine.  However, the way that my mother ensured that I got some exercise was to shove me outside and tell me to go play until dinner.  Because every other mother on the block did the same thing with their kids, it worked out pretty well.

I understand that we live in different times.  There are safety issues that my mother never had to worry about.  Still, there must be a better way than this.  I am not a parent, but, really, do we all think that the way to teach kids to love activity is to stick them on a stationary bike and tell them to peddle to nowhere?  Ug.

On a total non-sequitur side-note, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz had their first child--Bronx Mowgli.  They are carrying on the stupid children's names tradition by naming their first born after a Borough and a Disney character.  Really?  Do they hate this kid?  Of course, if little Bronx ends up playing with Brooklyn (Posh and Becks boy) or Kingston and Zuma (Gwen and Gavin's sons), it will all come out in the wash.  Still, I don't think that celebrities get points for creativity when naming their children.

I am just saying.

Crimes Against Nature and Other Holiday Traditions

Let me start out by coming out of the food closet (isn't that the pantry?) and reveal to anyone who doesn't already know that I am a vegetarian.  I am not out to convert anyone.  I just tell you because it does color how I feel about Turkey Day--or, as I think of it, Carb Day.  In my family--carnivores all--they are never quite sure what to do with me.  I haven't eaten meat of any kind--yes, that does include pork and fish--for over 18 years.  Still, they worry that there will not be enough for me to eat on Thanksgiving.

At the BettyBeeBuzz family holiday table, meat--very often more than one variety of meat--takes center stage.  Because mine is a family of cooks, I definitely do not go hungry, though.  There are mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, sometimes baked potatoes, baked noodles, sometimes lasagna, baked beans and often perogies to keep me happy, not to mention the numerous "vegetable" casseroles that involve at least three of the following ingredients: canned or frozen vegetables, canned soup, butter, cracker crumbs, cereal and/or fried onions.  By that list, can you tell that I grew up in the suburbs?

I am not knocking it.  I myself often make my mother's vegetable casserole for the holidays.  (My three out of the list above: frozen veggies, butter and cracker crumbs.  I get extra points for the processed cheese required, though.)  Delicious, yes. Healthy, no.  That is fine, though.  The holidays only come once a year.

I am quite happy to go into my carb-induced haze because heaven knows that I do not want tofurky.  For those of you who have not heard of this, it is a tofu version of turkey.  I have one question: why?  I like tofu.  It is great in a lot of dishes.  However, I don't want a big lump of it shaped like a dead bird on my holiday table.  No gracias.

What is even worse is that I have recently discovered that there is something called tofurducken.  This is modeled on what I think to be a crime against nature in and of itself, turkucken.  What is that you ask?  That would be a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey.  People who I know who have eaten this monstrosity say that it is delicious.  (I have no idea how you are supposed to carve something like that.  Wouldn't you just keep hitting on smaller and smaller bones?)  Someone I used to work with is from New Orleans, and he sent around a link to his hometown butcher's web site (yes, the butcher has a web site) so that we could read about the local specialty--deep fried turducken.  Good Lord.  What kind of sick bastard came up with that?  There are several web sites that sell a version of this deep fried poultry extravaganza, many with add ons of bacon or seafood--you know, in case you need more protein but are just a little worn out by all of the poultry.

Even if I wasn't a vegetarian, I would not want anything to do with the turducken--and I definitely don't want anything to do with the tofurducken.  I saw a recipe on the web for tofurducken that essentially had the following steps:

• Buy all of the tofu at all of your local grocery stores.  You are going to need it.
• Take one lump of tofu and mold it into the shape of a chicken.
• Take a larger lump of tofu and mold it into the shape of a duck.
• Hollow out some space in the tofu-duck, and stuff in the tofu-chicken.
• Take a whole heap of tofu and mold it into the shape of a turkey. 
• Hollow some space out of the tofu-turkey, and stuff in the tofu-ducken.
• For extra flavor (or the illusion of extra flavor), shape some tofu into strips of tofu-bacon and lay across the top of the tofurducken.
• Bake and enjoy.

Are you nauseous yet?  Ug.  The crazies who come up with things like this are the kind of people who give the rest of us herbivores a bad name.  Please pass the potatoes and the green bean casserole.

Tomkat Must Be So Proud

I am trying to decide how I feel about a news story that I read today.  OK, first of all, I am playing fast and loose with the word "news".  Here's the deal: Suri Cruise, mop-top offspring of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, was number one on Forbes.com's list of "Hottest Tots".

If you are looking at your own adorable children and wondering how little Susie or Bobby did not make the cut, blame yourself because you are just not famous enough.  Forbes looked at a year's worth of press clippings and web presence as well as the public's awareness of the child and the consumer appeal rankings of the parents (see, I told you it was your fault) to determine the top tot.  

Now really, how much time have you spent this past year working on your child's web presence?  Mmmmm-hmmmm.  That is what I thought.  Parent blame thy self. 

Anyway, at least Suri is an only child.  She, Sam Woods (cub of Tiger) and Matilda Ledger (daughter of Heath and Michelle) are the only singletons on the list.  Everyone else has siblings, and not all of the siblings made the list.  Only three out of the six Jolie-Pitt brood and one out of two of Britney Spears sons made the cut.  That must be awkward.  How do you explain to the other kids that they were not popular enough?  These kids should have to wait until high school before they deal with this kind of pettiness like the rest of us.

The kid who should be really mad is Maddox Jolie-Pitt.  He was the first of Brad and Angie's Bennetton family, and he has been totally overlooked.  Shiloh is number two, Zahara is number three and Pax is number four on the list.  The twins didn't make it, but they were not even in existence for the entire year.  Wow.  If Maddox is smart, he will totally leverage this slight to clean up this holiday season.  Somebody may have a pony under the tree!

Rounding out the list is Cruz Beckman (son of David and Posh), David Banda (son of Madonna and Guy), Sean Preston Federline (son of Britney and K-Fed) and Sam Sheen (daughter of Charlie and Denise).

What I am wondering is what the competition will look like between all of the Hollywood kids until next year's list comes out.  Will there be a throw down between Suri and Sunday Rose Kidman Urban (daughter of Tom Cruise's ex-wife--and Botox casualty--Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban) for the title?  Will Maddox stage a coup?  (He will really be ticked if Vivian and Knox make the list next year and he doesn't.)  Will Jayden James lock Sean P. in the basement to negatively impact his web presence?  Things could get ugly. 

Celebrity, Why Have Thou Foresaken Us?

I am 100% positive that you are all aware that we are in an economic downturn.  (Economic death spiral, really, but I am trying to keep it light and positive.)  There are endless articles and news stories about lost jobs, home foreclosures and the erratic stock market.  There is another type of downturn going on out there, though, and I have not seen any news stories about it.  I am talking about the deficit of good celebrity news.

Scanning the web, here is what I can find:

• Sasha Baron Cohen crashed the set of Medium.
• Jessica Simpson says that sister Ashlee is ready for her baby.
• John and Jen (Mayer and Aniston, of course) had a date night.
• Nicole Kidman wants more children.

My response?

• Don't care.
• Of course she's ready; she's eight+ months pregnant.  Duh.
• Don't care.
• No kidding--and don't care.

This is pathetic.  This is the best that they have got?  I don't know about you, but during difficult times, I want celebrities to be more crazy not less.  

Is no one going into rehab?  Is no one getting divorced?  Britney seems to be stable.  Madonna and A-Rod are nowhere to be found.  Even the Girls Next Door have been quiet since the news of Kendra's impending nuptials.   [See my 11/07/08 post Someone is Going to Have to Explain This to Me if you want more information about that last one.]  

Don't get me wrong.  I am glad that everyone is doing well.  The mess that has been Britney Spears life for the past two years has been truly sad to witness (you know, via Us Weekly and Access Hollywood, the same way the rest of you celebrity voyeurs "witnessed it").  It is a shame that Madonna's marriage is ending, especially since there are two children involved.  I am happy--nay thrilled--to see that Paris Hilton is no where to be seen in the entertainment pages.

Still . . . nothing?  Nothing at all?  I think that some of the advice that the money guys are doling out on TV could apply here.  Just as now is a great time to scoop up stocks at a low price (assuming that you know which ones to buy), now is the perfect time for a lesser-know B-lister or C-lister to take the headlines.  

So, come on, CW TV "stars" and former American Idols!  Now could be your time!  Grab the spotlight!  Do something crazy--and for heaven's sake, get my mind off of the economy.

Take a Pause Before Claus

This morning on the front page of the New York Times Sunday Style section there is an article titled "Excuse Me, Where's Thanksgiving?".  Upon further reading I found that the article is about a Christmas store in Michigan that sells things like ornaments that depict a Santa wearing camouflage, holding a shotgun and a dead mallard.  I knew that grandma got run over by a reindeer, but I don't remember anything about Santa shooting a duck.  That is so horrifying that I will not be commenting further, but the article did get me to thinking.  What has happened to Thanksgiving?  Over the years it seems to have gotten lost in the push to start the holiday season--and the holiday shopping season--earlier and earlier.

Let me be clear right now.  I am a Yuleophile.  (Yes, I did make up that word.  In my lexicon, it means "one who loves Christmas".)  I love everything about Christmas.  (Well, almost everything.)  I start getting excited around the end of September because the holidays will soon be upon us.  On my iPhone I have the application that tells me that as of right now, it is 39 days until Christmas.  Still, by spending months anticipating one holiday, another, equally important holiday can get overlooked.

There is so much to love about the time right after Halloween through Thanksgiving.  It is one of the most beautiful seasons of the year, at least here in the Northeast.  (All of you who live in CA, FL and the other mono-season states seem to have made peace with the fact that you don't get to see the gorgeous changing leaves.)  The Green Markets are full of squash and parsnips and all of those other not so attractive but oh so tasty root vegetables.  Most importantly, there is a sense of calm before the madness of the holidays--or at least there can be if we let it.

I understand that retailers need to start building their Holiday Shops and that cities and businesses need to start putting up the holiday decorations pre-Thanksgiving.  Those are major projects, and, in this economy in particular, they need to be ready to hit the ground running for what should be their most profitable time of the year.  Like it or not, a good holiday season means the difference between making sales plans and bonuses for the year and having to rework the whole budget to make up for that missing revenue.  

That doesn't mean that the rest of us have to get into the act.  My father, who lives in suburban PA, told me that people in the town where I grew up already have their Christmas lights up and turned on.  Some houses have even been decorated--blow-up snowmen and all--since Halloween!  Is that really necessary?

[On a side note, since we are on the subject, let me just say that the something that is never ever necessary are those illuminated hard plastic lawn decorations, particularly not the religious ones.  Regardless of your religious affiliations, your beliefs or non-beliefs, can we all just agree on principal here the the son of God was never meant to be immortalized in glowing plastic on someone's lawn?  But I digress . . . .]

Thanksgiving is about, well, being thankful.  I think that we all get that; I just don't know that we all do it.  If we are conscious of it, it can mean being grateful that prior to all of the consumer craziness into which we are about to be plunged, we can enjoy this time of year for what it is--and, yes, to reflect on those people and things in our lives that do make us thankful.  I am going to try to keep that in mind for the next 11 days until Thanksgiving.

Not a Ghost of a Chance That I Will Miss It

I am a fan of the TV show Ghost Whisperer.  

I realize that in making this admission, I am not putting myself into the category of the uber-hip.  I know that the cool kids are not watching the Whisperer.  I don't care, though, and I refuse apologize for my fan-dom.

I didn't set out to become a fan of the show.  A couple of TV seasons ago I was working on a painting project at home that was taking way longer than intended.  I had the TV on in the background, and Ghost Whisperer came on.  It was one of the last few shows of that season, so there was a lot of suspense and intrigue leading up to the season-ending cliffhanger.  I totally got sucked in.

It is not that I believe in ghosts or think that the show is plausible.  I am not touting it as some of the best acting on TV.  (For that, tune into Mad Med, Entourage, Weeds or Big Love.  Love them.)  I think that part of it is that the star of the show, Jennifer Love Hewitt, seems so likable.  Again, I know.  Not the coolest actor going.  Again, I don't care.  I think of her as the Anne Hathaway of television.  There is something relatable about J. Love.  She seems like someone who would be fun to have in a book club or around on game night.  

Sure, there are hipper people out there.  I love Pink as well, for example, but I really don't feel like Pink and I would be hanging out at any point.  What would we do?  Race dirt bikes?  Get into bar fights together?  Not so much.  I am so not that gal.  I could totally do afternoon tea with J. Love, though.

I should probably make it clear at this point that I am not delusional.  I don't expect to meet Pink or JLH (or Anne Hathaway or any other celebrity for that matter) and become BFFs.  I suppose that I am just trying to get to the root of my Whisperer loyalty.  Of course, there is no need to do that.  I am not alone.  On Facebook, there are over 74,000 Ghost Whisperer fans.  (Yes, I have become a GW fan on FB.  I never claimed to be trying to make myself look cool here.)

Anyway, the plot of the show is taking a big twist.  J. Love's husband on the show is now a ghost.  Intriguing?  Lame?  You will just have to tune in to find out.

Greetings From the New York Office of Tourism!

I noticed in the paper that Lord and Taylor will be unveiling their holiday windows tonight.  With all of the decorations going up around town and the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade only two weeks away, we are officially entering the holiday season.  

That means that someone is coming to town.  No, not Santa Claus.  (OK, for those of you who are still holding out hope, in addition to Santa Claus.)  Tourists.  We in Manhattan are also officially entering the holiday tourist season.  I was thinking, if I were in charge of the Office of Tourism in NY, I would ensure that a mail drop of tourist tips and helpful hints went out to every hotel room and youth hostel in the city.  My letter would look a little something like this:

Dear Holiday Tourist:

Season's Greetings!  Welcome to New York City during what is truly one of the most wonderful times of the year.  In an effort to help make your time in our beautiful city more pleasant for everyone, here are some helpful hints for a pleasant stay:

Getting Around

There are many exciting sights to see in New York City, no more so than during the holidays.  When you are walking down Fifth Avenue or through Times Square, keep in mind that not everyone around you is ambling along to see those sights.  Some locals are trying to get to work or fight the crowds to do their holiday shopping.  Please do not suddenly stop in the middle of the sidewalk or walk at a snail's pace while trying to read your Fodor's Guide. Walk on the right with the pace of the crowd, and step to the side when you need to stop. Otherwise, wear football padding and earplugs because people will run into you and yell wishes in your direction that are not so holly-jolly in nature!  Ho, ho, ho!

The subway is one of the easiest ways to get around. When riding the subway, think back to your high school science class.  Remember inertia?  Bodies in motion stay in motion; bodies at rest stay at rest?  That means that if you are standing, you should hold on to something.  For most locals, it is not their most treasured holiday wish to have a tourist with all of his/her shopping bags fly into their laps!  Keep in mind, though, that while you need to hold on, you do not need to hold on for dear life.  This is not a roller coaster, and flailing around as if it is surely is not necessary. 

Picture Taking

You, of course, will want to document your exciting trip with photos. Asking a local to take a photo of you and your friends and family is acceptable.  Please just do not do it in a place where you will be blocking everyone else.  (See "Walking" above for additional information.)  

It is, of course, tempting to try to capture the spectacular buildings and fabulous lights in photos.  In order to do that, buy post cards.  Keep in mind: the buildings are always tall, the lights are always bright and none of it photographs well. Standing in the middle of Time's Square with your digital camera taking a picture looking straight up into the air is not going to give you a great shot.  Post cards.  Sometimes for as little as 10 for $1.50. Really. Just do it.

Personal Safety and Security

Yes, unfortunately, there is crime in NY.  In most cases, if you use basic caution and keep your purse zipped and with you at all times or your wallet secure in your front pocket, you will be fine. Walking around clutching your shopping bags to you as if you think that you will be attacked and robbed at any given moment is not necessary.  No one wants the 12 "I Love NY" tee-shirts that you bought for $10.  However, if you hang your open purse on the back of your chair in a busy coffee shop, don't be surprised if some Grinch takes your wallet as if it was a gift in a stocking!

Again, for the most part, if you stay in the most populous, well-lit parts of the city during reasonable hours, you will not have issues. Sitting on the subway with a look of abject terror as if everyone around you is a possible murderer doesn't really exude holiday spirit, now does it?  (If, however, you and your companions choose to sit dispersed throughout the subway car and yell to each other about how much you want to go to TKTS to get Chicago tickets, you will make your fellow passengers want to bludgeon your with your Macy's bags.  Fair warning.)

Christmas Windows

The Christmas windows at retailers throughout the city are one of the top attractions for tourists and locals alike.  Please do not use your child as a "Get to the Front of the Line First" pass.  Just because someone with you is under four feet tall or not of driving age does not mean that you get to go first, can push through the crowd to be directly in front of the window or linger in front of the display with your child who is not paying attention until little Jimmy or Sally finally perks up.  [As a note: this rule applies to locals as well.]

Enjoy your stay here in Manhattan, and have a joyous holiday season!

Sincerely,

The Office of New York Tourism Elves

Things would be so different if I ran the world.  Happy Start of the Holidays!

I'm Sorry, I Can't Hear You Over the Jackhammering

Living in New York for the past several years there is one blanket observation that I can make: there is always construction work of some kind being done somewhere.  It is hard to walk anywhere in the city without encountering scaffolding at some point.  Recently I have even had the disquieting experience--on two separate occasions, mind you--of walking down the street and finding that a building that was there the last time I walked past is now completely gone. Vanished. It is like having the ultimate "wait, where are my keys" moment.

In the past few months, the construction work has come home to roost--specifically to my roost. The building owner is having work done both outside and inside of the 20-story building in which I live.  There is a law that requires that building owners ensure that any loose exterior bricks, moldings, concrete, etc. be fixed and secured.  You know, so no one is killed by the falling debris.  Well, apparently the owner of my building let maintenance on that go a little bit, so now there are men on those window-washer pulley contraptions scaling the side of my building on a daily basis.  What that means is that sometimes I look up from working on my computer to see a man hovering outside of my kitchen window.  

Did I mention that I live on the tenth floor?  Yeah.  It is a little weird.  While I have curtains on my living room window, I don't have any on my kitchen window--because, you know--I live ten stories in the air.  Most people would need a telescope to be a peeping Tom here.  Not now.  To their credit, the workmen outside my window tend to be discrete.  Really, there is not much exciting going on in my apartment to leer at anyway.  Still, I appreciate the respectful attitude.

Yesterday the work inside the building started, on my floor at least.  There was a notice posted by building management that the hallways were going to be repainted.  I actually did a small dance of joy when I read that.  Don't get me wrong.  Walking in my hallway with the current color--which I describe as "dirty apricot"--has been great.  I am all about a little "eggshell white", though.

I heard the workman in the hall yesterday and figured that they were prepping for painting.  I was a little surprised when I opened the door to go run an errand to find that one of the painters was trying to hermetically seal my apartment shut with tape.  He was not just taping around the door frame.  He was actually taping the door to the door frame.  He nearly fell into my apartment when I opened the door.  I wasn't really sure what that was all about until I got back home.  

First of all, I had to get back into my apartment which, upon my departure, he did finish sealing shut. Um, excuse me?  Did he think that I was never coming back?  When I stepped out of the elevator the workmen didn't even look at me better yet help me unseal the door.

When I did finally get into the apartment, my cat was sitting there starring at the door with a look of what I would describe as perplexed terror.  My cat is pretty laid back.  She doesn't scamper away at every noise.  This is an animal that can spend a good 18 hours a day asleep, so I was a little surprised to see her so awake and alert--that is, until the jackhammering started.  

Yes, I did say jackhammering.  I thought that painting would involve some drop cloths, some spackle and some paint.  Well, it does, but yesterday it also involved several hours of workers using jackhammer-like tools to remove the wire covers that house--I don't know--cable wires?--electrical wires?--from the hallway walls.  That's when I realized that the taping around the door was to prevent the copious amounts of dust (generated by the aforementioned jackhammering) from getting into the apartments.  How considerate of them to try to preserve cleanliness while causing hearing loss for both me and my cat.

This morning when I walked into my hallway I have the still "dirty apricot" walls as well as the now-exposed wires hanging around the ceiling.  I can hear the workmen out there again.  They seem to be using smaller power tools this morning.  I am wondering when they are going to start using the sublimely silent paint brush.  Whatever they are doing, they are going to need to let me out of my apartment later for a Starbucks run this afternoon.  If worse comes to worse, maybe I can climb out of my apartment window and hitch a ride down with that crew.

Home improvement my ass.

The Naked, Featherless Bird Flys Solo

I have been waiting for this.  I know that it is a case of schadenfreude.  I know that it is not "big of me" to be happy about this, and I am willing to own that.  Nearly two years after it began, the love affair between Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood is over.  The naked, featherless bird flys alone.  

What is that about you ask?  Pre-blog I sent e-mails like my blog entries out to friends.  Last year I sent a couple out in regards to the MM/ERW relationship.  At the time MM was coming off of his marriage with burlesque star Dita Von Tesse.  In an article published on 5/18/07 by the Associated Press, MM said that he was devastated by the end of his marriage.  According to Manson, "I came out of this naked, a featherless bird."  I think that sentiment has personal meaning for all of us, so I will let you take from it what you will.  (To help provide additional context, I am putting the text of my '07 MM/ERW e-mails at the end of this entry.) 

Anywho . . . . apparently Evan says that she loves and respects MM as a person and as an artist. (Well, who doesn't really?)  She is distraught by the fact that there are all kind of rumors swirling around their breakup when really they just decided to take some "time apart" to "concentrate on work".  And they are never getting back together.  Ever.

Mmmmmmm.  Yes.  Well.  I am going to be watching to see if 1) MM finds another teen starlet to replace ERW who is a bit past her sell-by date now that she is nearly old enough to drink and 2) if ERW is going to stops dressing like a young Dita Von Tesse.  I kind of feel bad for ERW's next boyfriend.  How can he compare, really?

What I am really wondering is if MM is feeling both naked and featherless again.  I hope not, because that could really ruin his holidays.

______________________________________________________________________

"Boys Who Look Like Girls Who Look Like Burlesque Stars"--05/21/07

 A few thoughts here:

1) I think that I would like to be able to put "Glitzy Goth Rocker" on my resume at some point.  That has a "wow" factor that you just don't get from "Project Manager of Blah Blah Blah".

2) He says he has no soul left.  I thought that the Christian right has said the he never had a soul in the first place.  Who am I to believe?

3) Dita "tolerated" his lifestyle hoping that he would change.  What part exactly was she hoping would change?  The makeup?  The weird mismatched contact lenses?  The obsession with death?  The leather-based Gothic wardrobe?  My advise to Dita: Pick your battles, girl!  This wasn't just a minor remodel project you took on.  This was a full-on demotion and rebuild.  No good can come of that.

4) Soulless, featherless bird.  I am guessing that he is not going to put that in his 2007 Christmas letter to family and friends.

5) He was really impressed when his new 19-year old girlfriend said that she would die for him.  That will definitely go into this years holiday missive next to the picture of Marilyn and Evan in matching sweaters next to a dead tree.

6) "Boys in makeup are the greatest thing ever . . . . "  Translation: I am really, really young and will be mortified in ten years when I realize that I have committed this ridiculous statement to the public record.

______________________________________________________________________

"Mom, Dad, Meet the Naked, Featherless Bird"--6/12/07

We all, at some point, have had to introduce a new boyfriend or girlfriend to the parents.  It can bring its share of anxiety.  That, though, has to pale in comparison to Evan Rachel Wood introducing Ma and Pa Wood to her new beau, Marilyn Manson.  Marilyn Manson of the pancake make-up, goth gear, spitting blood stage shows, naked featherless bird post Diva VT break-up, Annie-like "I never wanna grow up" ilk.  That one--so you don't get confused.  Yeah, so ERW introduced her boyfreak, I mean, boyfriend to the folks because they were apparently little upset because--so many reasons--she plays a sexually suggestive role in one of MM's music videos. (Some of the other possible reasons for them to be upset: he is 38, she is 19; since meeting MM their daughter has started to dress like a burlesque star; he creates art work that is actually even creepier than his songs if you can believe that--and so on and so on and so on.)  Monsieur Manson had a drink with the Swiss Family Woods.  He, apparently, wanted to make sure that they didn't think that he is pulling her into his bad behavior.  To that end, MM said of the meeting, "The main thing that needs to be established is that I might share my life with her, but that does not incriminate her in my behavior.  So, if I want to dig a hole and bury my genitals in it, that doesn't mean she dug the hole."

Um, what?!  Me-thinks that did not help to quell their parental fears.